Excerpt from
Finding the Path:
A Novel for Parents of Teenagers
Chapter One
The
telephone on Anna Farmer’s desk rang. And rang. She ignored it, focusing on
the spreadsheet she had to update for an eleven o’clock meeting. Gerry, her
impatient, often irate boss, had already been in her office once to ream her out
for her tardiness, and she certainly wasn’t looking for a replay of that
Maalox moment.
The
stubborn caller refused to hang up. After what seemed like the zillionth ring,
when Anna couldn’t stand the jangling any longer, she picked up. Cradling the
receiver between her chin and shoulder, her eyes still riveted on her computer
screen, she snapped, “Sullivan Agency.”
“Mrs.
Farmer?” an all-too-familiar voice asked.
Anna’s
vision blurred. Her fingers slipped off the keyboard. The neat rows of numbers
on the screen no longer seduced her with their orderliness. There was no such
thing as order. Order was an illusion—at least in her life. And now things
were about to get worse. The question was how much worse. Her son’s guidance
counselor was on the line, which meant that Nick was in trouble again.
“Mrs.
Farmer? Are you there? This is Sylvia Blackmun.”
Anna
signed wearily. “Yes, Ms. Blackmun. I know it’s you. What did my wonderful
son do this time?”
“I’m so
sorry to disturb you at work, but I’m afraid Nick has been suspended for a
week. You’ll have to come over to the high school and get him.”
This was
not what Anna needed. Something had to be wrong with that boy. School had been
in session less than a month and he was already in trouble. Why couldn’t he
leave her in peace?
Turning
her pent-up rage at her boss and her son—and even at her husband for dying and
leaving her with more than she could handle—on the hapless counselor, she spat
out, “I don’t think so. Tell Nick to walk his sorry butt home, or have one of
his juvenile delinquent friends give him a ride. I have a job to do.” She
slammed down the telephone.
Wishing
she were one of those cartoon characters who could decompress by blowing out
steam from her ears, Anna stalked over to the coffee machine. With unsteady
hands, she picked up the carafe and began pouring herself a cup.
The phone
jangled. She jumped, spilling coffee on the new carpet. Gerry would kill her
if she put a permanent stain in it. Cursing under her breath, she grabbed a
handful of napkins and dropped to her hands and knees to sponge up the mess.
Every time the ringer sounded, her anger spiraled upward. By the time she
returned to her desk and picked up the receiver, she couldn’t have said a civil
word to the caller, even if it had turned out to be the Pope.
“Yes?”
she snarled.
“I’m
really sorry to bother you again, Mrs. Farmer, but you have to come in to my
office and sign Nick out. We can only release him to a parent or guardian.”
“Great!
Well, he’ll have to wait. I’ll get over there as soon as I can.”
She
dropped the phone in its cradle and settled into her chair. Straightening her
spine, forcing herself to concentrate on her computer screen, she churned out
the document Gerry needed with only moments to spare. Once she delivered the
final product into his eager hands, she returned to her desk, pushed aside a
pile of papers, and let her head sink onto her folded arms.
The last
thing she wanted to do was head up to the school and face Nick. She hated
scenes, and her son was a pro at creating them.
Hearing a
soft knock on her door, she jerked her head up. Carol, her best friend and the
agency’s art director, pushed the door open and poked her head inside.
“Hi,
there.” An avid gardener like Anna, she approached the desk, a library book in
her hands. “I thought you might like to look at this before I returned it.
It’s got a great section on keeping pests out of your garden without using
poisons or insecticides.”
Anna
didn’t even feign interest in the book. She put her head back down on her arms.
“What’s
the matter, sweetie? Having a bad morning? Can I help you release some of the
tension?” Carol moved behind Anna and began massaging her shoulders. “A quick
back rub will make you feel better.”
For a few
minutes, the friends remained in comfortable silence. Finally Carol spoke.
“You have a pressure point right here.” She dug her thumb into a particularly
sore area to the left of Anna’s shoulder blade.
“Ow!
That hurts!”
“Good.
That means I got the right spot. Now, just take it easy, and let my magic hands
do their job.”
Anna soon
relaxed enough to tell her friend about Ms. Blackmun's calls.
“So what
did Nicky do to get suspended?” Carol gently prodded.
“I don’t
know. I was so mad at the little shit I forgot to ask.”
“I hope
he didn’t get caught with drugs or something awful like that.”
“I don’t
think so. That’s an automatic expulsion, isn’t it? Knowing Nick, he probably
went off on his Spanish teacher again. He really hates that woman. I just hope
he didn’t get violent.”
“Oh, come
on, Anna. I’ve known Nicky since he was in grade school. He’s not the violent
type.”
“I don’t
know about that. The way he’s been acting lately, I wouldn’t put anything past
him.”
Carol’s
hands slowed. “He’s never hurt you, has he?”
“Not
physically, no.”
Carol
swept her hands up and down Anna’s spine and then squeezed her shoulders.
“Okay, I’m done. I’ve gotten the knots out.” She settled her round derriere in
a chair by the desk.
Stretching her arms over her head, Anna glanced at her friend. Instead of
finding solace in Carol’s kind expression, jealousy gnawed at her. It wasn’t
fair. Carol had a loving husband and grown twin daughters who adored her.
Tracey and Ellen had probably never given their mother a moment of trouble.
Anna couldn’t imagine the twins treating Carol and her husband with the
disrespect Nick showed her.
Anna took
a deep breath, forcing her unkind thoughts out of her head. The last thing she
needed now was to compromise her relationship with her best friend. “I might as
well stop putting off the inevitable and go get him. I can’t wait to find out
what my darling son has done this time.”
“I’ll
cover for you with Gerry. He should be in that meeting with the CEO of Footwear
Unlimited until at least noon.”
“I’ll be
back by then.”
“Aye,
aye, Cap’n. If ye need anything, yer matey be at yer service!” Carol rolled up
a piece of paper and held the funnel to her mouth. “Launch the long boats,
men,” she called out.
Anna
laughed, and the tension inside her released another notch. She could never
stay mad when Carol was around. With her good heart and oddball sense of humor,
the woman could charm the diamonds off a rattler. Carol was the only person who
could give Anna advice without risking her friend’s wrath, and she was a pro at
rescuing Anna from her dark moods.
In the
car, Anna began to worry about her son’s latest screw-up. What could Nick have
done to land him a week’s suspension? Had he gotten into a fight or threatened
a teacher the way he sometimes threatened her? Since his father had died, his
behavior had steadily worsened, and she no longer trusted him. His volatility
and unpredictability made him seem capable of anything.
Where had
her sweet little boy gone? In elementary and middle school, Nick was an
excellent student and an enthusiastic—if not particularly talented—athlete. His
teachers loved him, and Anna glowed with pride over his accomplishments.
However, when Kevin died, he left her with a twelve-year-old boy just entering
puberty. She had known little about adolescent boys and their development,
other than that they needed strong male role models—not her specialty. Since
then, her son had become uncontrollable. He no longer cared about grades or
what adults thought of him, and he had dropped out of sports completely. The
thing she hated most about the “new” Nick was his attitude. He was ornery and
antagonistic, fighting anyone he perceived to be an authority figure.
Especially his mother.
To make
matters worse, now that his high school had merged with a school in the rougher
part of the township, he’d started hanging out with a new crowd. She didn’t
know any of the other parents or what morals they might be teaching their kids.
God only knew what influence his peer group was having on Nick.
When Anna
noticed a police car pass her on the other side of the street, she automatically
slowed. The cruiser made a U-turn, and came up behind her, red and blue lights
flashing. She pulled over to allow it to pass. To her astonishment, the cop
car followed her to the curb. Her heart began to race. What had she done?
She
rolled down the window of her ten-year-old Saab and looked up into the unlined
face of an officer who looked to be in his twenties, his blue uniform shirt
stretching across an already bulging belly.
“May I
see your license, registration, and proof of insurance, please, ma’am?”
“Did I do
something wrong, officer? I didn’t go through a stop sign, did I? I’m in a
rush. Maybe I missed something.”
The
police officer pointed to the corner of her windshield. “Your inspection
sticker expired last month.”
Big
frigging deal,
she wanted to shout at him. Don’t you have anything better to do than harass
law-abiding citizens? Instead, she bit the inside of her cheek and reached
into the glove compartment for her documents. As she handed them over, she
looked up at the young officer and forced a smile. “I’m a single mother with a
demanding job. I'm really, really busy. Do you think you could cut me a
break? Maybe just give me a warning or something?”
The oaf
acted as though he hadn’t heard a word she’d said. “I’ll be back as soon as I
run these through the computer.”
Five
minutes later, he returned clasping a hundred-dollar ticket in his fist. When
she saw the amount of the fine, Anna slipped out of shock into anger. She bit
her tongue to keep from saying something nasty to the police officer.
The final
affront came when the cop said, “Have a nice day,” and turned to head back to
his cruiser. Unable to control herself, Anna mumbled, “Screw you.”
The
officer stopped in mid-stride, and Anna’s heart skipped a beat. He swung around
and removed his sunglasses to give her a severe look. She smiled weakly, waved,
and turned the key in the ignition. The Saab roared to life. As she eased back
into traffic, she forced herself to stay below the speed limit the rest of the
way to Nick’s school.
“Screw
him! He’s an ass****!” Nick exclaimed, coming out of his seat in the
counselor’s office.[i]
Ms.
Blackmun reached for his hand. “It’s okay, Nick. I understand that things have
really changed around here since the kids from Lincoln came over to our campus.
We’re all going through a period of adjustment.”
He sank
back in his seat, trying to swallow his anger at the injustice of the
situation. Ms. Blackmun was cool. She had always been straight with him.
“It’s not the new kids that are the problem. It’s that jerk Thompson. He can’t
stand the fact that his upper middle class suburban school is being overrun by
townies. He’s running Shady Hill like a drill sergeant and suspending anyone
who disagrees with him.”
“Is that
what you really, honestly believe, Nick? That the principal suspended you
because you were one of the leaders of the sit-in? Why didn’t any of the other
kids get in trouble the way you did?”
He knew
what his counselor was trying to do. She wanted him to admit that he’d been
wrong to lose it when the assistant principal and the stupid gym teacher had
tried to carry him out of the principal’s office. Sure he’d fought them. They
had no right to put their hands on him.
He glared
at his counselor. “Yeah. That’s what I think. He doesn’t want me in this
school because I paid attention in Social Studies class last year when we
learned about Martin Luther King and civil disobedience.”
He could
tell by her surprised look that Ms. Blackmun hadn’t seen that one coming. Nick
sat up straighter and puffed out his chest. Despite his anger at the principal
for suspending him, he still felt buzzed about the success of the sit-in he’d
helped organize. By storming into his office and taking over, they had really
shocked Thompson. Maybe he’d think twice before inviting the cops back to Shady
Hill to break into lockers and violate the students’ civil rights.
Ms.
Blackmun pinned him with a stern look. “Did any teacher ever tell you that Dr.
King or Mahatma Gandhi kicked, bit or swore at an arresting officer?”
Nick’s
eyes dropped to the floor, and he slumped back into his chair. Ms. Blackmun had
a point. He shouldn’t have lost control when they tried to evict him from
Thompson’s office. His mother always warned him that his mouth would get him
into trouble if he didn’t learn to turn it off. Still, what he had done was
nothing compared to what the adults were doing to his school.
Since he
couldn’t figure out how to talk his way out of admitting he’d made a mistake,
Nick clammed up. No point digging himself into an even deeper hole.
There was
a sharp rap on the door. His whole body tensed in preparation for his mother’s
grand entrance. Now the crap would really hit the fan.
“Here’s
the lunch you ordered, Sylvia,” a woman’s raspy voice announced. Nick looked
up, relief flooding through him at the sight of the middle-aged hall monitor who
entered the small office and put a tray on the desk.
“Thank
you, Nancy.”
Once the
woman left, Ms. Blackmun pushed the tray toward Nick. “Help me eat this?” she
asked. Two cartons of chocolate milk, a tuna hoagie, chips, and a side salad
sat on the tray.
Surprised, Nick looked up at his small, wiry counselor. “You eat all this for
lunch?”
She
laughed. “I have a good metabolism. Now let’s eat.”
Anna
arrived at the high school, her head pounding and her nerves shot. Work
deadlines, the cost of a hundred-dollar ticket she couldn’t afford plus the
expense of getting her car inspected, and another embarrassing trip to bail Nick
out of trouble weighed heavily on her heart. She didn’t know how much more she
could take.
Once
inside the expansive two-story brick building, Anna found the girls’ room. She
needed a few minutes to get herself together before facing her son and his
advisor. Leaning over the sink to check her makeup, she overheard two students
talking between stalls.
“I think
what the cops did was really screwed up. They shouldn’t have opened those kids’
lockers without their permission,” one girl stated. “Isn’t that illegal?”
“I don’t
know why you’re so upset. It’s not like any of our friends got caught. The
cops only picked on the new kids from Lincoln.”
“Yeah,
but what if they bring in drug-sniffing dogs next time? What if one of them
smells weed on me?”
Her
friend laughed. “If you’re so worried about it, then stop smoking pot with
Jason in the parking lot every morning before homeroom.”
A toilet
flushed. Quickly, so the girls wouldn’t think she’d been eavesdropping, Anna
slipped out the door. From the little she’d heard, she had a pretty strong
suspicion that Nick had challenged the authorities during the police raid. He
was always railing against the system, as if any one person could really change
the status quo. If, as the girls said, the cops had targeted only the new kids
from Lincoln, then her brilliant son had probably gotten himself in trouble by
defending one of his new loser friends from across town.
When Anna
walked into the administrative suite, the secretary at the front desk waved her
through. She approached Ms. Blackmun’s office and took a deep breath before
knocking.
“Come
in,” a voice called out.
Anna
opened the door and poked her head in. The school counselor, who was in her
mid- to late-twenties, sat at her desk sharing a tray of cafeteria food with
Nick. The cozy scene brought home to Anna that her only child could still charm
the pants off adults when it suited him.
If only
he would stop fighting her and settle down, their lives would be so much
simpler. The direction Nick was headed, he wouldn’t make it through high
school, let alone college. And he needed a college education to become a
professional and avoid the trap she had gotten herself into—working at a menial
job she hated for a paycheck she desperately needed. He had to start listening
to her before it was too late.
When he
craned his neck to look at her, she asked, “So, Nick, what’s going on?”
Remembering what Dr. Elliot, the psychologist Nick had seen several times, had
told her about building trust by withholding judgment, she tried not to jump
down her son's throat. Instead, she forced a smile and went for a touch of
humor. “What am I bailing you out for this time?”
Nick
threw his half-eaten hoagie down, his hostile glare spearing her with its
fierceness. “Jesus Christ. Can’t you, just once, cut me a break? Why don’t
you trust me? You always think I’m guilty of some terrible crime before you
hear my side of the story. God, I hate you!”[ii]
He stood
up, his fists clenched at his sides.
The
counselor rose from her chair. She grabbed his forearm. “Hey, Nick. You’ve
had an upsetting morning. Why don’t you sit down and tell your mom what
happened?”
Nick
turned to Ms. Blackmun, who was gazing warmly at him. He slumped back into his
chair, his long, skinny legs sprawled out in front of him and his arms crossed
over his chest.
Anna took
the seat the counselor indicated and waited. Nick stared at her. Mixed in with
his defiant I-dare-you-to-say-anything look, she caught a glimpse of the
insecure little boy who still wanted her approval. Somewhat reassured, she
waited to hear what he had to say.
“The cops
were here this morning. Our brilliant principal, who thinks he’s running a
prison camp, invited them in to check for drugs. It was bad enough that the
cops invaded our privacy by forcing open lockers, but then Thompson had the
nerve to expel a bunch of kids from Lincoln on the spot. They’d only been here
a month, but he didn’t even give them a warning.”
So, Anna
thought, her assumption had been correct. Nick was all bent out of shape about
the police action because some of his new friends had been kicked out.
A
tremendous wave of guilt rolled over Anna. This was all her fault. She had let
her son hang out with the wrong crowd. Now he would be labeled a troublemaker
for the rest of his time at this school. He’d never get into a decent college.[iii]
She
turned to her son, who was studying a framed diploma on the wall. “Look at me,
Nick.” He reluctantly turned in her direction, his eyes filled with defiant
anger. What did he have to be pissed about? She was the one who should be
furious. “Were you searched? Those ‘supposed’ friends you’ve been
hanging out with, they were the ones who got expelled, weren’t they?” She heard
her voice rising in decibels, the accusations she had tried to staunch flowing
freely now. “How many times have I told you to stay away from that crowd, that
they would bring you down?”
This time
Ms. Blackmun wasn’t fast enough to grab him. Nick bounded from his chair and
bolted for the door.
The
counselor jumped to her feet. “You can’t leave school grounds until your mother
and I are finished here. Come on, Nick. Don’t get yourself in any more
trouble.”
“Screw
you!” he shouted. He threw open the door and ran out. The door slammed against
the wall, then swung back.[iv]
Anna
looked at the counselor. Shaken, she asked, “What did I say that was so bad?
What did I do wrong?”
Ms.
Blackmun’s calm countenance had disappeared. Her face flushed, she tapped
nervously with her pencil on her desk calendar. “I’m not sure exactly what set
him off, but your son is very sensitive to anything that might be construed as
an injustice. I think he felt you falsely accused him and his friends of
something they didn’t do.”
Anna
cleared her throat. “But I was right, wasn’t I? Some of the students who were
expelled had to be his buddies.”
“I don’t
think so. If they were, Nick never mentioned it to me. He’s a smart kid, Mrs.
Farmer. He’s quite capable of seeing the larger picture. I think he got upset
about the police search-and-seizure operation this morning for exactly the
reason he told you. He felt the police unfairly targeted the new kids and
violated their right to privacy.”
What? If
Nick and his friends hadn’t been affected by the police operation, then why was
her son in trouble?
Ms.
Blackmun answered the question before Anna could ask. “Nick helped organize a
student sit-in at the principal’s office. When the kids were asked to leave,
the other students went peacefully, but your son refused to go. The
vice-principal and the sports director had to forcibly remove him. He gave them
quite a fight and slung more than a few choice words at them.” She shrugged her
shoulders. “Frankly, I think Nick handled himself admirably until that final
altercation. He wasn’t afraid of voicing his opinion, and he had some valid
points. However, after it was all over, Mr. Thompson had no choice but to
suspend him.”
Anna
couldn’t believe her ears. This bubble-brained school counselor actually felt
empathy for Nick. Obviously too close to her own teen years, the young thing
failed to see how damaging Nick’s anti-authoritarian behaviors could be to his
future. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had just gone along with the other
protesters, but Nick always had to be different, more out there than his peers.[v]
As usual,
her son had only been thinking of himself and his high and mighty principles.
He hadn’t thought for even a microsecond about her or her reputation in the
community. What if people at work caught wind of his suspension? They’d blame
her and talk about her behind her back. They’d say she was a failure as a
mother.[vi]
The harsh
beeping of her cell phone interrupted Anna’s thoughts. She checked the caller
ID and frowned.
“Excuse
me a minute. My office is on the line.”
Luckily,
she took Carol’s call sitting down.
“May
Day. May Day. Get back here quick, Cap’n. All hell’s broken loose. Upland
Petroleum wants its ad campaign completely revamped by Friday. This Friday. As
in four working days from today.”
“I’ll be
there in twenty minutes.” Anna snapped the phone shut.
“I need
to get going. You said you had papers for me to sign?”
“But—“
Before
the counselor could give her a hard time about Nick’s absence, Anna gave the
young woman her steeliest glare and added, “I’m sure Nick hasn’t left the
campus. He’s too lazy to walk home. He’s probably waiting by the car for me.”
The
counselor handed over the documents. Once everything was settled, Anna said
goodbye and headed for the parking lot.
_________________________________________________________________
[i]
Nick's comment is very similar to a comment Anna made earlier to the police
officer, but Anna does not see in her behavior a model for Nick's
anti-authority behavior. Anna is not yet aware that she has issues with
authority.
[ii]
You get what you expect. Parents
and children often "pigeon-hole" each other and make snap judgments based on
previous patterns of behavior. Here, an attempt by Anna to change old
patterns (e.g., to act with greater compassion and understanding) is quickly
discounted as insincere by Nick, who has reason to distrust his mother's
intentions. To avoid sounding judgmental and accusatory, instead of asking,
"What am I bailing you out for this time?” Anna could have simply stated,
"Tell me what happened." Even an accusatory tone of voice can trigger a
teen's negative reaction to a parent's words.
[iii]
Parents can take too much responsibility for their child's behavior.
Although they are very important in their child's social and moral
development-particularly in the younger years-the media, schooling, personal
experiences, knowledge, and peer groups also influence behavior. Feeling
guilty for not being perfect parents does nothing to help the situation and
typically adds tension to the relationship.
[iv]
Should the school punish Nick for his behavior? If so, what would it
accomplish? When a teen is punished for expressing his anger and hurt, he
can misperceive these expressions of emotion as being "wrong," leading to
difficulties expressing feelings, or even identifying them, as an adult.
Modeling healthy ways of expressing feelings, then coaching the adolescent
in this process, will be more productive than punishing him.
[v]
Children who hold onto anger at their parents often generalize these
feelings and project them onto other authority figures, becoming overly
sensitive to those who have power over them. This is a major reason why so
many children have "authority issues." Teens who have little tolerance for
perceived injustice run into many difficulties because life is inherently
not always "fair."
[vi]
Anna is afraid other parents are judging her for her son's actions because
she sees Nick's behaviors as a reflection of her parental worthiness. She
is ignoring the many other influences on young adults (personality type,
peer group, schooling, environment, experiences, etc.). By not taking
Nick's behavior personally, Anna will be in a better position to respond
objectively and, thus, effectively to his misbehavior.
